Last Thursday, my hot gf went on a business trip to Australia. She left me with a bag of clean laundry and a kiss. No groceries. No leftovers. No instructions. Just myself and my thoughts. For 8 days.
Day 1: Thursday, 2/26. After her departure I spent the afternoon in front of my computer until I noticed the microwave said 7:30pm. I ordered Chinese from the place nearby in hopes I wouldn’t eat too late. Over an hour later my food arrived. I should have walked. I live one block away.
Day 2: Friday, 2/27. I’ve had the same breakfast for 3 days in a row: scrambled eggs and an English muffin with butter. Every morning I reach for a box of cereal when it dawns on me I don’t have milk. 2 minutes later I forget again and make coffee. Putting butter in your coffee isn’t as bad as it sounds, but not worth all the hype LA housewives give it.
Day 3: Saturday, 2/28. Today, my buddy and I drove to the casino to play some poker. The were charging $459/night, so we rented rooms at a seedy Travelodge. For dinner, we went to an overpriced restaurant at the casino. I had gnocchi with braised veal, the best meal I would eat while my hot gf was away. Then I gambled until 3am, at which point I quit because my buddy started passing out on a chair behind me. Had I actually won any money I might have been concerned about getting robbed at our sketchy motel.
Day 4: Sunday, 3/1. Somehow I slept through a diesel-powered sounding wall heater for roughly 4 hours. I knocked on my buddy’s door where I was greeted by a creature resemblant to Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. When I asked him if he wanted breakfast, he blankly replied, “Chocolate milkshake.” I stopped at Dunkin Donuts, got a coffee and sour cream donut, and a Mocha Coolatta for him. Then I spent 5 hours winning my money back, only to lose it all again in one hand. On the drive back, I got the biggest steak calzone I have ever seen and hoarded it like “my precious” from everyone at my local bar.
Day 5: Monday, 3/2. I drove to another casino today because my hot gf wasn’t around to prevent me from going. I stopped at a Spanish deli in my neighborhood and bought a salami provolone sandwich, banana, and 2 envelopes for $3.50. I had to refrain from asking the guy if he made a mistake. Then I took a bite out of my sandwich and almost spit it out. Who the fuck puts mayo on a salami sandwich?
The lady at the front desk refused to comp me a room even though I argued it is Monday. I wound up purchasing through a third-party site right in front of her. Then I did a half-ass workout in their gym because Forensic Files was on. For dinner, I had a spinach salad in the mall food court so I would feel healthy while playing poker.
Day 7: Wednesday, 3/4. Fuck casinos. They’re all rigged. I’m sure of it. I played 20 straight hours of poker and the best thing that happened was nearly getting hit by a tractor-trailer on the way home for the insurance money. For those who care, on Day 6 I ate General Tso’s Chicken because it made no difference what I ate–I felt like shit either way. As for today I’ve eaten a yogurt and 4 leftover pieces of broccoli from last week’s Chinese food delivery.
Day 8: Thursday, 3/5. Expired milk still lasts at least another week right? It doesn’t smell that bad so I’m using it. It’s fucking snowing. Again. For lunch, I had a sleeve of Keebler Toasted Peanut Butter Crackers and a tangerine I found hidden behind a moldy pepper in the bottom of my fridge. I spent most of the afternoon arguing with Comcast over my upcoming rate increase. For dinner, I made spaghetti with jarred sauce I heated in the microwave. The pasta came out al dente, which made me proud. It would have been a perfect dinner, if only I had my hot gf’s sauce instead of Francesco Rinaldi’s.
Day 9: Friday, 3/6. Remember Jack Nicholson in The Shining? That’s me, only instead of being trapped in a luxurious hotel with plenty of food, I’m stuck in my shitty apartment with a can of sardines. I had another bowl of cereal this morning with another day expired milk. At 4pm, I opened my cabinet and stood eyeing the sardines. An hour later I found a little cheese in my fridge and ate that. At 6:30pm, my hot gf landed. As soon as she got back, we went out for a huge pasta dinner at Leo’s.
She made me go to Shoprite first thing in the morning.